Monday, May 18, 2009

Viking Of The Month: Bjorn Hammerskjold

Bjorn giving thanks to Odin and Thor for yet another successful rape and pillage.

With numerous conquests and copious raping and looting to his credit, Hammerskjold has been consistently taking Vikingery to the next level. Known for his meadhall brawling and devastating the coastline of Denmark, Bjorn says he's "...just a regular Viking like everyone else--I put my chain mail on one leg at a time."

Modern Viking Monthly Fashion Tip:
To get Bjorn's look, rub bear grease and human blood in your hair, and leave your leather jerkin in the bottom of the longship to get that casual "fresh from battle" feel. Don't forget, chicks dig scars!

Great Viking Albums

#1 of all time: Molly Hatchet, Flirtin' With Disaster

Sports: The Minnesota Vikings

After another rough season, the Minnesota Vikings have picked up some new additions to the offensive line, and should once again be looting and plundering their way through the NFL. Go Vikings!

Ask A Viking: Romance

Dear Modern Viking Monthly,
I've never had a problem with the pillaging part of Vikingery, but the rape bit has always been a little awkward for me. How do I let that special someone know that I care?

signed, Tentative In Trondheim

Dear TIT,
Breaking the ice is a challenge for even the most hardened Berzerker, but just remember, when your horde sacks a seaside town, there's always plenty of raping to go around. You don't have to "go all the way" your first time--why not warm up by molesting a sheep, goat, or a crippled stable boy?
Once you find that potential rapee, don't be afraid to let her know with a thoughtful gift, like the bloody entrails of a battle opponent, or by burning her house down. Just remember it's not really rape unless she says "No." With any luck, she'll be meekly serving in the meadhall and polishing your helmet in no time!

Great Movies

The Vikings, starring Kirk Douglas

'To a Viking there was no life except life in battle. There was no death except death in battle. There were no women except women taken in battle."

Simply put, the finest movie ever made--it just has it all: rape, pillage, conquest, a hawk ripping out Kirk Douglas's eye, meadhall shennanigans with Ernest Borgnine, catapaults, wenches, and hot longboat action. Four stars, by Odin!

This year's best spots for conquest

Tired of attacking villages that are all raped and pillaged out? Sick of landing the longboat only to realize that the town has already been looted and the church burned to the ground?

Check out our guide to hot new Conquest Spots for 2010, coming just in time for Rape and Pillage season in the new June issue of Modern Viking Monthly.

Extended Test: Longship

After extensive testing in the Baltic Sea and beyond, we remain impressed with this year's longship. Two words: performance and comfort. It took a while to break in the oars, and open ocean stability at top speed was a tad suspect, but everyone appreciated the copious weapons storage and the cupholders.

Valkyrie Of The Month

We wouldn't wait for Ragnarok to let this sacred warrior maiden escort us over the Rainbow Bridge to Valhalla!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Mighty Weapons: Thor's Hammer

In all the cosmos there is no mightier weapon than Thor's Hammer, or he likes to call it, Mjolnir. Strong enough to ultimately kill the Midgard Serpent that gnaws on the very root of Yggdrasil, the sacred World Tree, even the God of Thunder must wear a special iron belt of power, Mgingjord, and the sacred iron gloves known as Jarngreiper just to pick it up.

Capable of levelling mountains, Mjolnir and Thor are a lethal combination for giants, Jotunn from the underworld, and even the great dragon Niohoggr.

Ragnarök: Coming Soon?

Every Norseman knows that the world is going to end in a calamitous battle between the gods and the forces of Jotunnheim, but there are more and more indications that Ragnarök could be right around the corner. What you can do to be prepared for the the time when the Midgard serpent gnaws the very root of Yggdrasil, the World Tree, and Ferriz the Wolf swallows the sun:

Wrap up that last-minute raping and pillaging, sacrifice a goat, take you sword and/or battle axe in for tune-up and get those edges honed for the hordes of Niflheim.

Get In Shape
Core strength and flexibility are crucial for the end of the world and the Destiny of the Gods. Make sure you always warm up, stay hydrated, and keep fit in the rape-and-pillage off-season by attacking cows, trees, or other Vikings.

Know The Signs
The first sign of Ragnarök will be Fimbulvetr, during which time three winters will arrive without a summer, and the sun will be useless, then greed will cause brothers to kill brothers and fathers and sons will suffer from the collapse of kinship bonds. Fenriz, the world-consuming wolf will shake loose from his chains. Ultimately, Heimdall holds the Gjallarhorn in the air and blows deeply into it, summoning the gods to battle with the Midgard Serpent and the forces of doom, and then it's game on, Vikings!

Hot new helmets for 2010!

Unless you're a Berzerker, going into battle buck naked and painted blue, a helmet is pretty much mandatory for just about any Viking conquest. Is the old reliable two-horner still the best choice? Are the pros switching to the trendy new-school models with nose-protection? Brass or steel, pointed or round--you need the right helmet to take you from the heat of battle to the after-party.

Our gear guru, Lief the Blooddthirsty, hacks and thrusts his way through all the jargon to give you the inside line on all the new helmets and helmet-related accessories in this month's edition of Modern Viking Monthly. See you on the longship!