Monday, May 18, 2009

Viking Of The Month: Bjorn Hammerskjold

Bjorn giving thanks to Odin and Thor for yet another successful rape and pillage.

With numerous conquests and copious raping and looting to his credit, Hammerskjold has been consistently taking Vikingery to the next level. Known for his meadhall brawling and devastating the coastline of Denmark, Bjorn says he's "...just a regular Viking like everyone else--I put my chain mail on one leg at a time."

Modern Viking Monthly Fashion Tip:
To get Bjorn's look, rub bear grease and human blood in your hair, and leave your leather jerkin in the bottom of the longship to get that casual "fresh from battle" feel. Don't forget, chicks dig scars!

Great Viking Albums

#1 of all time: Molly Hatchet, Flirtin' With Disaster

Sports: The Minnesota Vikings

After another rough season, the Minnesota Vikings have picked up some new additions to the offensive line, and should once again be looting and plundering their way through the NFL. Go Vikings!

Ask A Viking: Romance

Dear Modern Viking Monthly,
I've never had a problem with the pillaging part of Vikingery, but the rape bit has always been a little awkward for me. How do I let that special someone know that I care?

signed, Tentative In Trondheim

Dear TIT,
Breaking the ice is a challenge for even the most hardened Berzerker, but just remember, when your horde sacks a seaside town, there's always plenty of raping to go around. You don't have to "go all the way" your first time--why not warm up by molesting a sheep, goat, or a crippled stable boy?
Once you find that potential rapee, don't be afraid to let her know with a thoughtful gift, like the bloody entrails of a battle opponent, or by burning her house down. Just remember it's not really rape unless she says "No." With any luck, she'll be meekly serving in the meadhall and polishing your helmet in no time!

Great Movies

The Vikings, starring Kirk Douglas

'To a Viking there was no life except life in battle. There was no death except death in battle. There were no women except women taken in battle."

Simply put, the finest movie ever made--it just has it all: rape, pillage, conquest, a hawk ripping out Kirk Douglas's eye, meadhall shennanigans with Ernest Borgnine, catapaults, wenches, and hot longboat action. Four stars, by Odin!

This year's best spots for conquest

Tired of attacking villages that are all raped and pillaged out? Sick of landing the longboat only to realize that the town has already been looted and the church burned to the ground?

Check out our guide to hot new Conquest Spots for 2010, coming just in time for Rape and Pillage season in the new June issue of Modern Viking Monthly.

Extended Test: Longship

After extensive testing in the Baltic Sea and beyond, we remain impressed with this year's longship. Two words: performance and comfort. It took a while to break in the oars, and open ocean stability at top speed was a tad suspect, but everyone appreciated the copious weapons storage and the cupholders.