Monday, May 18, 2009

Ask A Viking: Romance


Dear Modern Viking Monthly,
I've never had a problem with the pillaging part of Vikingery, but the rape bit has always been a little awkward for me. How do I let that special someone know that I care?

signed, Tentative In Trondheim

Dear TIT,
Breaking the ice is a challenge for even the most hardened Berzerker, but just remember, when your horde sacks a seaside town, there's always plenty of raping to go around. You don't have to "go all the way" your first time--why not warm up by molesting a sheep, goat, or a crippled stable boy?
Once you find that potential rapee, don't be afraid to let her know with a thoughtful gift, like the bloody entrails of a battle opponent, or by burning her house down. Just remember it's not really rape unless she says "No." With any luck, she'll be meekly serving in the meadhall and polishing your helmet in no time!

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